Okay so I'm posting this here because I didn't want to get my insane journal off to a negative start. I am so fucking frustrated right now. I'm just so pissed off and angry and I feel like I'm about to kill something. Maybe I should just go to bed when I'm done eating dinner because fuck. I'm so done. I'm not even talking to anyone right now because I know I'm just gonna blow up at some point. Some days start off bad and get better and other start off good and get worse. Today is the latter. I was fine until I got home from work and now I just don't even want to deal with anyone. I just want to be done.

And I've got to hope that tomorrow is better because I have a group interview for this summer job. And I have to be on. I just don't know why I've been getting so upset lately. Usually its triggered by someone doing something. But I just. I need a break. In the worst way.

Everybody's Fool
So I might be moving completely over to insanejournal. I'm not sure. I have a lot of entries here and I don't like starting over. But I'm hoping its a more active community. We'll see. I'll probably still post to this sometimes so that it remains active. But anyway. xjoonbugx over at insanejournal.

Jekyll & Hyde
Its that time of night. When I'm tired but not sleepy enough to sleep. And I'm extremely in my head. Something triggered me last night. Someone. And its been difficult ever since. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. But I'm not feeling very healthy. Mentally or physically. Its not a good place to be. I just want someone to talk to about frivolous things. And I want to read. I want to just sit and read for days in the sun. That sounds so nice. Its supposed to rain tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about that. The kids will be excited. But keeping them inside all day is also quite the task. My new class seems pretty good though. Thank God for that. I just can't help but think I need a break. And I just got off Spring Vacation. But there was so much going on that I didn't get to really laze about as much as I'd like. I just want a real vacation. Load my Kindle with as many books as I can and take off. Sit on a beach somewhere with a water bottle and my sunglasses. A pair of flip flops and a book bag with all the essentials. Camera, Phone, Kindle, Cigarettes, Lighter, Notebook, Journal, Ample Writing Utensils, iPod, Headphones, etc. etc. I think you get the picture. It sounds great. I would say maybe this summer but if I'm working. Sigh. Oh well. Such is life.

P.S. This song makes me want to watch the League of Extraordinary Gentleman. What a fucking awesome movie. My dad liked it too. Movies just aren't what they used to be anymore.

Dancing On My Own
Okay. So I guess I need to do this again. I'm feeling majorly stressed out but my natural instinct is to push it down and try to ignore it. I just really need to work this. I'm just overwhelmed. I know that I have no right to be. I work a part time job that most people would consider easy and I sleep in almost every day. But what people don't realize is that its a defense mechanism.

I've quit smoking cigarettes which is good I guess. But its also made my stress level go through the roof. I'm trying really hard to keep going and I'm giving myself credit every time I say no and continue on not smoking but that doesn't stop me from wondering if I just were still smoking that I would feel better. But its not even an option because do you know how many people would be disappointed if I went back to smoking? And I've gotten so much pressure from my sister and my mom. My mom says she's not pressuring me but the goes on and on about how its going to kill me. and how do I know that I haven't already smoked the cigarette that will give me cancer. that until smoking a cigarette makes me sick I'm still a smoker. How is any of this in any way positive? Can someone just tell me? How is THIS kind of reaction to me saying I wish I had a cigarette helpful?

Anyway. I just have no one to talk to anymore. So I post it here because its easier. And hopefully no one reads this. Thus meaning that it doesn't bother anyone. I've been told that I drive my friends away with my negativity. And I'm trying to change that. I just don't tell my friends about my problems anymore. Hence me bottling it up until I feel sick like today. I'm just tired. And I wish that I didn't struggle so much.

My mind is really good at doing a few things. One, it always finds the negative. Two, it fixates. Three, its good at reminding me of the problem to the point where I'm too scared to even try to think of a solution.

For example:
I feel like I'm going nowhere in my life. As stated above. I really need to go back to school. Fuck, I should probably have a second job too because I only work part time. I have no idea what I want to do with my life save getting married at some point and having kids. But that doesn't pay bills, its not a profession. Why is it that it seems like everyone has a plan or at least an idea of what they want to do and I've always been sitting here like, cool, um, there's nothing I really want to do that you can make into a career.

I mean I guess I enjoy writing and wouldn't mind doing that. But I suck at writing. Let alone trying to produce a book that other people would read.

I wish I just had someone to give me advice. My dad is really the only one I can think of right that would be remotely helpful. And for obvious reasons, that's not an option.

I'm sorry if any of you read this. I have to get it out somehow. It at least alleviates some of the pressure.

Sometimes I wish I could call into work on days like this. But unfortunately mental illness is not excusable. And if I don't pretend like I have it altogether my mom will freak out and blame things that are not the cause.

I just want to be better at life. I seriously suck.


Alley Cat
Okay, so I'm turning to livejournal because I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. If you don't want negativity in your life please stop reading this now. Don't come to me after reading it and tell me that I really shouldn't stay stuff like this on the internet for everyone to see. Because this is a journal and its the only form of release I have right now. I'm so sick of being told not to talk about what's going on in my life.

That being said. Things are so awful right now that I feel sick to my stomach. I cannot stop thinking about all of these awful things.

First I have these nightmares that are usually sexual in nature which only makes it worse. And then when I get up I feel like I haven't slept at all and I have this horrible feeling for days on end.

Next we have me totally being freaked out that I'm so attracted to a woman. Regardless of the fact that I'm never even gonna know her I'm freaking out. I rarely hear voices anymore but sometimes they pop up out of nowhere just to say something really awful. Today they told me I had perversions. I know that its not real but it happened to be right as I was thinking about this particular woman. So what am I left to think or feel? I've always struggled with being bisexual. I grew up in an Orthodox Christian home. And while my dad was always accepting, my mother is not. Well guess what? My dad's dead. So that leaves me with someone who freezes up whenever I talk about a woman. And when I tried to talk to her about seriously one time. She told me that I should "listen to my inner voice, what does it tell me" as far as whether or not I felt it was wrong for me to have feelings for a woman I was going to potentially date at the time. Are you serious? I had to practically pry the she would love me no matter what out. My sister is supportive but at the same time doesn't want to hear about it. I'm not allowed to talk to her about certain things. But we'll get to that in a minute. Having limited support from my sibling is nothing compared to the lack thereof from my mom and my brother would probably agree that its wrong. I'm so conflicted and I have no one to talk to about this.

Which brings me to what I was talking about at the top. I have like no one left I can talk to anymore. One of my best friends Rachael keeps telling me all this shitty stuff her friends tell her about me. They. don't. even. know. me. Swear to God I've never even met this couple that apparently told her to just slowly distance herself from me because I'm no good for her. I'm so negative. And then her other friend was asking if Rachael really should be telling me some secret she was telling me because I might tell someone. Okay. I don't blab about people's shit. Its not my business. If you tell me something in confidence than it stays that way. And that woman had only hung out with me like twice. Oh and that couple, also said that its my fault that all my friends keep leaving me. I do it to myself. But Rachael ends all of this by saying. But I promise I'm never going to ever leave you. I hate when people say that. Because swear to God every time they do, two or three months later they're gone. I've started keeping track.

I have lost so many friend over the past couple years. And granted that up until recently it had been pretty rough in my life and I didn't have many friends to start. But still. I've lost four best friends, a handful of other friends. And usually its after they've said I'm never going to leave.

I get that life changes and people change and move on. But seriously? Every time I make a friend I almost instantly lose them. But according to some that's my fault. I guess ever having a meaningful conversation, or heart to heart, god forbid you ask for advice. Its just stupid. I'm sorry for anyone who has read to this point. I swear I'm almost done. I just needed to get this off my chest and I do feel a little bit better.

Anyway, so between conflicts with my sexuality, which leads to questioning my faith, and having no one to talk to, minus sleep, I hope you can see why I've hit my breaking point. And as I sit here and type this into my journal I literally just lied and told someone. "I'm good." I just have no idea what to do anymore but smile and lie because I guess that's what people want from me.

I'm sorry if you're in my life in some way and my negativity has had an impact on you. I love all of you very much and I'm sad every time one of you leaves. I apologize if I've ever hurt you in some way or if I've caused any negative emotion. I'm sorry.


I just want to chat right now. So I guess I'll post my contacts:

KIK: xxjoonbugxx
Skype: xxjoonbugxx
AIM: sleepywise

If anyone is up for it, add me and we'll chat. <3

Up All Night/After Midnight
I cannot believe how shitty the past couple days have been. I seriously was so heart broken and depressed last night that I was physically in pain. And its not getting much better. I like having the weekends to recuperate from the week of work. But this weekend has been awful. I guess yesterday was because there was a funeral and it was just bringing back all the emotions about my dad. I did get to spend some time with a friend from church but we spent it unloading on each other. And the stuff I was talking about, I could literally write a book about because there's so much to the story at this point. And rehashing it every time just makes me feel worse. I still have no answers and no reasons why all of it happened. And then you have the voices in my head telling me things about it. Like "he's not coming" or "he's not the one you're looking for." Its a great feeling to be in love with someone have voices you can't block out telling you its never going to happen. I'm so glad.

On top of all of this my friends, save one, and Beccabean, you know who you are. But the rest. Most refuse to talk to me. And when they do its very brief and/or uncomfortable because its clear that I'm bugging them. I just don't get it. Why is it so hard for me to keep friends? And have good, working relationships with them. I know some of you will read this and tell me that I can talk to you. But I feel bad because I don't want to bother you and I feel like I've guilted into it. I don't want that. I just want someone I can talk to about things and actually feel like we're having a conversation without me getting judged or criticized about what I'm saying.

Maybe its just me. I guess it probably is. But I'm tired of feeling like I've got no one I can trust that I can turn to. Everyone is busy or is over talking to me. Its fine. I've got my voices. I'll just talk to them. At least I know they can't abandon me because they're stuck in my head. And they're more reliable than the people I've been trying to talk to. So its whatever.

So I fully realize that lately this journal has become more me bitching about the shit that I go through on a daily basis and I understand that. However. It is a journal and sometimes I just need to get out the things that are bothering me. There will be a point at the end where I talk about the positive things that have been going through as well but for now I need to rant.

I've also come to realize that slowly but surely I'm losing my friends. Its really frustrating because I try to protect them from my worst times and give them space when they need it. I also try my very best to be there for them whenever they need it. And I've mentioned how I feel like there are few people around when I need them in the depression comm.

Its just that things were changing and I knew they were changing. Whether we stopped doing things that we used to do or just communicated less. It was very obvious that something was different. And at first I was okay with it. I had a bad feeling that it would end up this way but I still tried to give the other person what they needed despite the fact that I knew it wasn't good for our friendship. And the sad part is that I was right.

Slowly but surely they're all disappearing for one reason or another. And I'm really hoping that they don't stop talking to me altogether but that's what its looking like will happen. But there's really nothing I can do about it.

I'm not just talking about friendships or acquaintances. Some of my best friends are the ones that this is happening with and I have no idea how to talk to them about it.

I feel like whenever I DO talk to them they talk down to me or treat me like I'm an idiot and that's one of my biggest pet peeves. I wouldn't do that to you so why do you feel the need to do it to me?

Anyway. I did get a job. I start training on the 7th and then work when the school year starts. And I'm gonna keep my eye out for a second job as well. I'm hoping that I'll be so busy that I won't notice anymore. Hell maybe I'll make new friends. I can only hope.

However. I am a creature of habit and I don't like change very much. Plus half the time I don't know why these friendships have to end just because something changes or changed anyway. But it does. And they do.

I'm really sorry for anyone who actually reads this shit.

I'm just tired of feeling like no one has time anymore to even respond to a simple text. Or can't hang out like period. I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm a burden or that they really don't want anything to do with me.

What changed? When did it become this way?

I guess I'll never know.


Sorry about this.


I Won't Apologize
Okay, so yesterday I totally meant to write this and not the rant that came out instead. I'm looking for active communities to get involved in. No I don't have a million comments or comments received but that doesn't mean I'm not active. It just means that I tend to join comms that then die and then there's nothing to post to or about. I have basic fandoms like anyone else but I'm looking for different things as well. Unusual communities that are still fun to be a part of. With active members who actually post and comment and things.


Walking Dead
Joss Whedon in general
Doctor Who
Blood Ties
Criminal Minds

Boondock Saints, the first and the second.
Practical Magic
Garden State
Stand By Me
Benny and Joon
The Breakfast Club
Pretty in Pink
Some Kind of Wonderful
The Princes Bride
Ever After
Where the Heart Is
Cruel Intentions
Lord of the Rings
Resident Evil
Fast and the Furious
The Mummy

Green Day
Third Eye Blind
Goo Goo Dolls
The Script
Rilo Kiley
Silversun Pick ups
Passion Pit
Snow Patrol
Alkaline Trio
A Perfect Circle
Lil Wayne
Jonas Brothers
Blink 182

I know its a lot but I really am looking for a broad spectrum of communities. I haven't had much luck in the past so if anyone sees this and can recommend anything that has to do with even one of these I would really appreciate it.

So this post was definitely originally gonna be about something else. But you know what? I'm done. I've absolutely had it today. This is probably one of the worst nights I've had in a while. Like really and truly. I fucking give up. The past couple days have sucked so bad I can even describe to you. I don't know why I even try to keep relationships with people. I feel like a constant burden to anyone and everyone I talk to and a lot of times now I don't even get replies. Not to text messages, IMs, messages, emails. Anything. I hate to sound dramatic but I guess its just really fucking hard to keep up a friendship with me. I must be really fucking high maintenance because I feel like no one ever just wants to talk to me. And no one ever speaks to me first. I initiate the conversation and it usually goes nowhere. And I'm tired. I don't know how its taken me this long to realize. But I give up. I'm done. What the fuck ever dude. If anyone evens sees this, its probably not a good idea to even try talking to me anymore because I will only let you down. Regardless of the situation. It ends in disappointment. And please don't go and think this is about anyone who might be reading this because chances are, its not. So just ignore this. Everyone else will.


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